Remember that gift certificate Brad gave me back at Christmas? The one for a professional massage? The one I was too unsure about protocol to use? Remember?

Well I did it! I used it, and not only was the massage wonderful, but it wasn’t so scary after all. I decided I’m just going to spell it out, step by step, for anyone else who doesn’t know what the hell to do at their first professional massage. Even though I found a few sites that helped me prepare, I still had a lot of questions that I’ll hopefully answer here:

1. Call in advance, but not too far in advance. I scheduled my appointment over two weeks ahead because I knew if I didn’t get something on the books, I’d never go. But the receptionist chuckled a little at my forthought. I’d say at most places, a week is plenty of notice.

2. When you get there you’ll have to fill out a short form. Be prepared to note any specific aches or pains you have. And how many months pregnant you are. Which I’m not.

3. Someone will take you to the massage room, and don’t worry, they’ll tell you exactly what to do! Most likely they’ll ask if this is your first massage and then instruct you what to remove, where to lay, what to do.

4. But just in case… If it’s an upper body massage you can leave your pants on if you’d like. Otherwise, strip down to your skivvies, which I recommend. It’s much more comfortable that way. Girls, take those bras off! Don’t worry, the massage therapist leaves the room for all this.

5. Hang your clothes on the hooks or set them on the chair or bench provided. You’ll have plenty of time to undress and get under the covers before anyone returns, so no need to rush. Like I did.

6. The bed will be covered in a fitted sheet. I was anticipating a little towel to throw over my derrier, but the bed actually had a top sheet and blanket as well. Crawl underneath those, like you’re going to bed, and face down. You may have to lay there a few minutes while you wait for the massage therapist to give you plenty of time, so you’ll get to know the carpet pattern very well.

7. The girl who did my massage was extremely nice. We really hit it off actually and chatted the whole time. But if you don’t like to talk, maybe try grunting short responses until they get the point. I don’t know, it might work.

8. About halfway through you’ll flip over (it will depend on the type of massage you get) and you might accidentally flash the masseuse. Don’t worry, they probably see boobs all the time!

9. If they start pulling on your hair, it’s totally normal. It’s all strategic, and it actually feels really good!

10. When the massage is done, there will be an awkward moment where you’re laying on your back, unsure what to do with your hands, trying to roll over enough to see the masseuse without flashing her again, while she talks to you about drinking plenty of water and how well your skin is moisturized.

11. After she leaves, simply get dressed, gather your things and dig out an appropriate tip. I gave a little over 20% since we practically became friends in that short half hour.

12. I had to walk out into a room full of people (it was also a crowded salon), and try to find a subtle way to hand over my tip. She even tried to refuse it, and then I was really confused. Am I not supposed to tip? But I insisted and she accepted. So yes, you are supposed to tip unless they adamantly tell you otherwise.

13. Then she gave me a hug before I left. But I think that’s because we hit it off so well, not because of the tip. You don’t have to hug your masseuse (or masseur). Actually most would probably think you were weird.

And there it is. My first professional massage. My back hurt again the next day, but for that 30 minutes, I was feeling pretty damn good. Next time, I want an hour.