What are you supposed to wear to a massage?

I’ve always wanted a professional massage. I have chronic back pain (I blame the big boobs), so the thought of a stranger’s hands rubbing all over me sounds pretty good in this case. As long as they keep it in the neck-shoulders-back region.

I dropped about a thousand hints to friends and family over the years about what a perfect gift this would be for me. A gift certificate for a massage! But nobody ever seemed to pick up on the idea, opting instead to buy me generic lotions and scented candles.*

Until last Christmas when Brad became the first person ever to understand how much I would love the gift of a groping stranger. So of course I couldn’t wait to set up an appointment and experience my first professional massage. A whole thirty minutes of intense relaxation. For free! I’d waited years for this and now all I had to do was call and make the appointment.

It is now mid-May and I have yet to call and make the appointment. At first I was practicing delayed gratification. I wanted to wait until I was in a lot of pain and would have killed for a massage. Then it became a matter of scheduling it around a good time–perhaps when I could take a day off work and really treat myself to a relaxing time.

But after almost five months, I realized maybe there’s something else going on. What’s the real reason I haven’t made an appointment when I’ve wanted to for so long? And today I think I figured it out.

I don’t know the procedure. Yep, that’s the problem. It’s an unfamiliar situation and environment to me, and I don’t do unfamiliar things very well. I try to gather as much information as possible before putting myself in new situations because otherwise I feel like a giant jackass. Such a giant jackass that I can’t even enjoy myself. And I don’t want giant jackassery to get in the way of enjoying my massage.

How naked do I get? Do I have an option? Will they tell me? Am I supposed to talk to the masseuse? How do you spell masseuse? Do I mention if something doesn’t feel good? Is it supposed to not feel good? Do I tip? How much? When? Where do my arms go? Where does my face go?

All these unanswered questions are keeping me from an enjoyable massage, people. So help me out! Have you ever had a massage? What’s the answer to all my unknowns? Please. Fill me in so I can finally get those stranger’s hands on my body!

*Actually no, that’s mean. I get a lot of great gifts and I love them all. I’m not a bitch. Yes I am, but shut up.