I hate taking showers. Does anyone else have this problem? No, it’s not that I like being unclean. Dirty is not my thang, smelly is not the new fresh-scented. But showers, they’re just so much work.

Sometimes I wish I was a boy. Here’s what I imagine the showering process to be like if I had a penis:

Strip.
Get in shower.
Wet entire body and hair in 2.6 seconds (this is of course assuming I’m not a hippy or a rock star).
Finger 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner through hair with a couple quick swipes.
Rinse in 2.6 seconds.
Grab bar of soap, lather.
Wash body in 6.2 seconds.
Rinse.
Exit shower, dry off.
Dress.
Run fingers through hair.
Time elapsed: 3 minutes.
Let hair air-dry, approximately 10 minutes.

Now let’s review my showering process while in possession of a vagina:

Strip.
Get in shower.
Wet entire body and thoroughly wet hair, 2 mins.
Finger shampoo through hair, 1 min.
Grab soap and razor.
Shave armpits and other unwanted hair (no this does not include legs, that would add an additional 7 mins that I rarely have time for), 2 mins.
Rinse shampoo, 2 mins.
Pick strands of hair hands and stuck all over body, 1 min.
Apply conditioner to hair, making sure to work it into all layers of thick hair, root to tip, 2 mins.
Grab soap, lather.
Scrub entire body, 2 mins.
Rinse body.
Rinse conditioner in layers so as not to let it dry and cake underneath, 3 mins.
Pick strands of hair off hands and body, 1 min.
Towel dry hair, squeezing and wringing out as much moisture as possible, 1 min.
Towel dry body.
Lotion entire body, 5 mins.
Further towel dry hair, 1 min.
Dress.
Time elapsed: 27.5 mins.
Let hair air-dry in layers, approximately 4 hours.

Do you see? Do you see why I hate showers? It’s not like I include a bunch of unnecessary steps that involve creams and scrubs and fancy devices. I don’t even brush my teeth in the shower like my friend Alaina, which I still think is a very strange habit.

I take showers at night because who has time for all that in the morning? I value my sleep much more than I value my daily hygiene. Speaking of daily. This is not a daily routine for me. Oh no, I have better things to do with my time. Like sleep, eat, read. Update livejournal. The worst part is that I have to plan showering into my day. Oh you want to have dinner Monday night? I’m sorry, that’s a shower night. I’m basically out of commission on the nights I plan to shower. I have to do it early enough to allow ample dry time for my hair. Not that I have any problem going out in public with wet hair and no makeup. Hell, I’ll even wear my pajamas. But dinner plans? I’m sorry, can we wait until Tuesday? That’s not a shower night.