Paranoia, paranoia
I’m a paranoid freak.
I see predators everywhere. Everywhere. I’m constantly running escape plans through my head. The slightest noise automatically means someone is trying to kill me, hurt me, rob me, rape me.
Yesterday I was walking in the WalMart at the same time as a man clad head-to-toe in Carhart. He was about five feet to my right, but keeping impeccable pace with me. I tried to speed up, but I couldn’t get ahead of him. Visions ran through my head–he was attacking me, stealing my purse, holding a gun to my back where nobody could see and guiding me back to his car. I quickened my ste[s in order to get lost in the sea of WalMart, but he kept pace. Step for step. Step for god awful step leading to my demise. My heart raced and my feet raced. I finally got inside and hid myself behind a crowd of people. I turned around to see Carhart man grabbing a cart. He was just there to do a little shopping. I still high-tailed it out of his sight and deep into the clothing section.
A couple weeks ago I was seeing Narnia with Brad and Emily. An old guy, apparently drunk and seemingly homeless, walked in and stood near us. Too close for comfort. My initial thought: he’s hear to hold up the theatre and my boyfriend is his closest victim. And I continued to formulate my reaction plan for his attack. I don’t remember now what the plan was, but it was clear and complex and ready to be implemented at a moment’s notice. Nothing happened.
This is how I live my life. That man wants to attack me. That noise means I’m being robbed. Someone is hiding behind that tree. That car has been following me for too long. Where’s my cell phone. Who would I call. What would I do.
I’m afraid the moment I let my guard down, my worst nightmare will come true. But living in constant fear is really tiring!
December 19th, 2005 at 11:43 pm
and I thought I was a paranoide person!
December 20th, 2005 at 1:50 am
Ok, so I’m staying over at Shannon’s last night. For some reason, I get up at 5:45am to have some cereal because i’m hungry/thirsty/restless. For some reason, in her half-asleep state, Shannon thinks I left the room to (what else?)…..plan her murder. I can’t plan in while she’s still in the room! No! I have to leave the room, and go out into the hallway, or perhaps down to the kitchen to unroll my blueprints, sharpen my knifes, prepare the garbage bags, etc. God only knows what she was thinking when she heard the refrigerator open and the dishwasher being loaded with clings and clanks.
But of course I did set her up a little with an earlier incident. I was hidden around the corner from the kitchen, testing the vent to see how much heat was coming out of the register. At the same time, Shan is coming out of the kitchen, and screams right in my ear, scaring the ever living crap out of me. I thought that was her intention, but it was I who had scared her.
Yes, these are the exciting times YOU can share with Shannon and Brad.
December 20th, 2005 at 1:53 am
Sadly, this is all true. I was half asleep when i thought you were planning my murder. Give me that at least.
And even though I knew you were just outside the kitchen, when I saw a body standing in that exact spot, my initial thought was “A killer has invaded our house!” Hence the ear-piercing scream.
December 20th, 2005 at 1:54 am
Damn logging in!