I know you probably don’t want my two cents…but
Is it bad to be with someone if you know you don’t want to be with them forever? I thought most relationships were unsure until they had decided they wanted to get married. But maybe if you KNOW you don’t want to ever marry them, it’s unfair to stay with them. Even if you’ve tried to tell them this is how you feel.
What if they don’t seem to believe or accept this no matter how many times you explain it? They get upset, then say they want to stay together anyway, and later act like you never told them anything. What if you know they want to be with you forever, despite what you’ve explained to them many times? Is it wrong to stay with them for now? Maybe they think you’ll change your mind eventually. Is it your fault they can’t accept it and want to be with you anyway? What if this person fits into your life now, but doesn’t fit into future plans? And you’ve explained this…do you owe it to them to end it now? Or do you just enjoy being with them now since you did your best to get them to understand your thoughts for the future? You’ve been with this person a couple years and the relationship is good for you now, but you want something else in the future. What do you do? Is it unfair to stay with them?
Person A knows she doesn’t want forever. Person B knows he does.
Person A tries to explain to B that she doesn’t want forever. Person B doesn’t seem to understand that.
Is A leading B on by staying with him for the time being?
October 22nd, 2004 at 7:24 am
this is a tough one… very tough. i don’t think it’s wrong to be with someone if you can’t see yourself (right now) wanting to be with them forever. is the point of dating NECESSARILY to get married & stay together forever? or is it to have a good relationship with someone that might lead to more, or it might help you to realize just what you do/don’t want, and that relationship can also be good if it teaches you more about live, love, and yourself. we don’t always know what we want for the future — so not making any drastic decisions right now is the way to go. but if person B keeps insisting that you will be together forever, maybe it is leading them on… i don’t know. i feel that if person A has talked to person B, then it is not leading them on — b/c they know how person A feels, even if they don’t want to admit it. at that point, it’s on them… did this help? or did i just confuse you more???
October 22nd, 2004 at 7:35 am
Yeah. That last part you said.
I don’t like questions like these! I refuse to reply to it directly! Life is too hard. Answers are never answers anyway. The end. I’m leaving.
October 23rd, 2004 at 3:36 am
This settles it. The purpose of life is amusing God. Adam got bored, and so did God, and this brought about Woman.
If he’s the wrong guy then he’s the wrong guy, so leave. If he’s the right guy then he’s the right guy, so stay. Simple choice!
The “right guy now but wrong guy for the future” thing has me doing mental cartwheels this morning. The fair/unfair decision should take a backseat to this one if you ask me.
What in the world is going to change in your world to make this guy go from qualified to hold an intimate relationship with you to utterly worthless? More important, what in your world is going to change that actually affects his worth to you? Are you afraid of having him around in the future for some reason? Why? Do you think you need a bigger/stronger/richer/better man to get where you want to go? Doesn’t thinking that you’ll need to change guys to be where you want to be run counter to your self empowered woman idea?
The “I’m going to be different in a while” idea just can’t find a place in my mind. Maybe it’s because I’m weird, maybe it’s because I’m a guy — but the “one day I’ll think/feel different, and I know it” just doesn’t sit. If it were true you’d have already done it. Timetables, jobs, achievements, these do not dictate who you are. YOU dictate who you are. If you think event X will change your life then DO event X RIGHT NOW! Get it done, then see how things work out. Events in my life have molded or hardened me, but never changed me. I’m every bit the same as the 5 year old boy I once was. I’m just better skilled/prepared/financed/educated/armed now.
Hell yes it’s unfair. You’re asking a man to accept defeat for unknown reasons and waving around some future deadline. I’d be going fucking nuts if I heard that. Of course he pretends like he didn’t hear anything — you’re still around! Men see a sliver of hope in relationships and drive on while women see a sliver of doubt and run. It doesn’t take much to inspire us.
A good woman and hope will make us do some insane things. I do not think you realize the power you wield over men.
October 23rd, 2004 at 6:23 am
My experience with guys is extremely limited to the fact that Kevin was my first boyfriend, but from what I understand, I think he’s right when Justinbuist says guys see “a sliver of hope in relationships and drive on while women see a sliver of doubt and run.” I’m the one of two girls in an extended family of fifteen and my female cousin has dumped all of her boyfriends and the guys never seem to do the dumping(except one who dates fanatically/sometimes two at once).
As for most relationships being unsure till they got married. I don’t know about others, but I knew Kevin was the one from the first week we were together. We made an agreement, if one of us realized we weren’t going to be together for the rest of our lives, to break it off(not saying I think that philosophy is right for everyone). After five years, neither of us breaking it off, we finally got married. But I’d say we were sure. I know most my married friends say the same thing. But then we’re all 23 and married, so we could just be the minority.
As for being right for right now, but not for the future, I wonder just like him, what’s going to change. Do one of you want a family, the other not, or is it less than that. Unless it’s something major, if you love him, and he loves you…. what does it matter. Do you think there is someone better out there? If so why aren’t you trying to find him now? Would person B hold you back from your future plans? If so why? does he not support you? Or does he have different goals than you? For me though, I would rather be with a man who respects me, supports me, and loves me and only fufill some of my dreams, than do all my future dreams and do it alone. But I guess we have to decide what is most important in our individual lives. But one thing, Kevin loves me so much, that he would flip his world upside down so I could become a children’s book writer like I want, but since I love him just as much, I also am trying to let him accomplish some of his goals. It’s stunting us both, but it’s worth it for me and in my life. Not necessarily in everyones. If he really loves you though, he’d flip his world upside down to help you accomplish what you want. But then the question lies, do you love him anough to do the same? This is neither a judgement or a philosphy on life, but rather, just things to think about. Every person is different and they are the only ones to know what’s right for them. I hope something I said, helps you sort out what you’re thinking.
October 26th, 2004 at 3:48 pm
SOrry about what I wrote, It was very narrow-minded. No dating isn’t just to find out who you’re going to marry. And I’ve never believed we’re here to entertain men. I think my problem is, I’m one of those people who believe in fairy tales. I hate hearing people thinking about or actually breaking up, because it shatters my little notion of love. I always think that love endures anything and wish that all couples would live “happily ever after”, yet not thinking about some don’t intend to.
For me, my fairy tale thinking(Kevin’s name for my view on life) is actually a fear thing. I’ve experienced a lot more life than most people know, and since I have chosen a certain path where I would like my life to lead to protect myself from things in the past, I often forget, my ideal, isn’t ideal for everyone. Again I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to hurt you and I seriously wasn’t judging you.